1.04.2005

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» RANDOM: Late Night Jokes
» RANDOM: Things of Interest
» RANDOM: Weekly News of Interest
» TRENCH: Heard in the Trench
» Random News Bits from Jay Leno
» Random Dilbert Quotes
» Random Late Night Jokes
» Random Late Night Jokes
» RANT: Overheard on the Bus
» RANT: What is...

RANDOM: Late Night Jokes

* As you may have heard, Los Angeles has been hit by a rash of freeway shootings lately. Of course, L.A. drivers are amazed by this - "How can you talk on the phone, hold a cup of coffee, do your makeup, and fire a gun at the same time?"
  • Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates was given an honorary knighthood by Queen Elizabeth today. I believe he's now known as "The Duke of Nerds".
  • President Bush denying reports that he has plans to invade Iran. Oh, we'll invade all right, we just don't have any plans. Just like the Iraqi thing. We'll figure it out when we get there.

Category: C++ Quant > Random Walk

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RANDOM: Things of Interest

* Late night Jokes: Have you followed this "Newsweek" scandal? It caused a violent riot to break out in the Middle East against the United States. Which is too bad because up until now they loved us.
  • Are you all ready for Mother's Day on Sunday? It's that dilemma this year. Do you spend $100 on roses for mom or do you use the $100 to fill up the car with gas so you can go visit her.
  • E-mails hurt IQ more than pot: Workers distracted by phone calls, e-mails and text messages suffer a greater loss of IQ than a person smoking marijuana, a British study shows.
  • Scientists have begun putting genes from human beings into food crops in a dramatic extension of genetic modification.

Category: C++ Quant > Random Walk

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RANDOM: Weekly News of Interest

_Jay Leno_
  • According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, 17 people die on the job every day. Which is pretty awful news. Unless of course your looking for a job.
  • America continues to search for alternative sources of energy. Other companies now are making fuels made from corn and soybeans. This is amazing. You know what that means? Our cars will have healthier diets than we do.

Dilbert

Dilbert: No one has any good advice on how I can balance my work with my personal life.

Wally: You didn't ask me. I take the Zen approach of having no friends and doing no work. Hence, perfect balance.

Dilbert: Where did you get that definition of Zen?

Wally: I used to read, but it's faster to make up stuff.

Naked sushi meals: The Chinese government has banned restaurants from serving food on the bodies of naked women.

Category: C++ Quant > Random Walk

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TRENCH: Heard in the Trench

Boss: half of the requested features are missing. Collegue (jokingly): hmmm... It's more like half of the requested features are delivered.

...

"Quick. Lock the door. Someone will walk in with another feature we have to implement. "

Category: C++ Quant > Random Walk

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Random News Bits from Jay Leno

  • In Florida, a judge has found O.J. Simpson guilty of stealing satellite TV and ordered him to pay DirecTV $25,000 in back charges. We are finally getting tough on celebrities in this country.
    • Were you shocked? I knew he was a murderer, I didn't know he was a thief. I was stunned.
    • I just this one incidence doesn't ruin O.J.'s reputation.
  • Ricky Williams report the dolphins training camp nearly a year after he said he was retiring to smoke marijuana. That's when you know you smoke a lot of weed okay. When you just show up a year late for the job you just quit.
  • It's hot out! It's so hot out that I stopped at Ben and Jerry's for a scoop of ice cream and the guy at the counter asked if I wanted that in a cup, cone, or in my pants.
  • An owner of an Italian restaurant wants to sue Bill Clinton for not showing up. He says it's not fair that he prepared everything and waited until 2:00 AM for him not to show up. Hillary then said, "Tell me about it."

Category: C++ Quant > Random Walk

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Random Dilbert Quotes

The Boss: Don't feel bad if you only got a 3% raise: I only got 2% myself.
Alice: Can we feel bad that 2% of your pay is bigger than 3% of our pay?
The Boss: Don't get all mathy on me.

The Boss: All you did this quarter is design one microchip. In comparison, I found the time to attend dozens of meetings. Now do you see what it takes to be a manager?
Dilbert: Sadly, Yes.

The Boss: Wally, I'm rating you "Good" but not because you are. Company policy says I have to fire anyone rated ower than Good, and the hiring freeze means it would shrink my empire. So you can get paid for doing nothing as long as you don't kill anyone.
Wally: I can't promise that.

Category: C++ Quant > Random Walk

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Random Late Night Jokes

Subway crime in New York City is on the rise because a lot of people are stealing iPods. They just steal them off people when they're riding the subway. That's terrible! Imagine people stealing music from people who stole music.

  • the bride that everyone thought had been kidnapped just got cold feet and took off... Today the fiance said he still wants to get married! Somebody needs to tell this guy there are plenty of other crazy women out there.
  • Due to the price of gasoline Dominos Pizza is now charging a $1.00 fee for their deliveries. Don't worry though - your pizza will still arrive piping cold!

Category: C++ Quant > Random Walk

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Random Late Night Jokes

The 212-year-old New York Stock Exchange is merging with an all-electronic company so it will become high speed with faster trades. This way, instead of waiting hours, you'll be able to lose their money within seconds.

  • I was reading about our new pope. The new pope, Pope Benedict the 16th said that he prayed he would not get elected. And today Hillary called the Pope and said, "Hey can you pray for me in 2008?"
  • Newly elected Pope Benedict XVI said on Monday that he had prayed to God that he would not be elected. The new pope then went on to emphasize the power of prayer.
  • According to a new poll, 7 out of 10 Americans say the tax code is too complicated. Well duh, that's why they call it a code. They don't want you to understand it. That's the whole idea.

Category: C++ Quant > Random Walk

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RANT: Overheard on the Bus

*First day on the job*: ...I felt completely like a fish out of water 'cos the topic was Finance, not systems or IT which had been my life the last decade and knew like the front & back of my hand... I guess I need to be patient with myself and allow myself to ride the learning curve. I just am not comfortable at this point, not knowing the ins and outs of their game... This is totally right brain domination vs. the previous life's left brain drill--so foreign, frightening, yet exciting... Probably gonna take 3-6 mos. before the learning curve flattens out though.

Exit Interview: ...I was proud of myself for not flying off the handle at the meeting and I was happy I didn't do anything to burn any bridges... I wondered why they never came to me to ask 'my side of the story'...it is surely because they wanted me out and they were tryin to pin something on me, something I am not guilty of... It was like trying to fight City Hall, I realized I couldn't win, I was defending myself, but no one wanted to listen...

Asking for a raise: ...I think you need to figure out, maybe by asking her, if her remarks are just her personal opinion or her professional opinion based on the value you bring to the company, or the current salary budget... even if your manager is supportive, you need to know which way the wind is blowing above her... No matter how rosey she said it is for her, the top may not be supportive... don't bluff, but if you have an offer, it's a bargaining chip... You're playing Russian roulette with five loaded cylinders...

Category: C++ Quant > Random Walk

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RANT: What is...

What is Blackberry?
  • a tool that blurs the boundary between work and home, creating more freedom for you (working from anywhere) and your boss (reaching you at anytime)
  • a major status symbol. If your company gives you one, you must be one of the superstars.
  • a tool that's intrusive and creates 24/7 corporate slaves.

What is H1-B?

  • a tool developed by the government to stop firms from paying idiots too much, like $500/hr for a principal Consultant with 3 years of exp.

What is Blog?

  • a tool that enables a prospective employer to Google you and read all about your bad hair days, how you really felt about your last boss and much more, all at the click of a mouse.

Category: C++ Quant > Random Walk

Your Turn!